A Considerable Speck

ring.

2010-09-18T13:11:00.003+08:00

I have this habit of fiddling the ring on my finger with my thumb - always. But today I realize the ring's gone and my fingers are bare to the bone.

And this grounds me. My heart grows heavy and my body feels weak - and then I remind myself the things you say that makes my soul implode onto its very core.

And when the dust clears, I'm just an empty shell.

liquid dreams.

2010-09-18T12:06:00.003+08:00

E: Loving me was a lie?
F: Yeah it was all just a lie. I lied before. It's still a game.

broken.

2010-09-17T16:47:00.003+08:00

It was all I could do to make you not hurt me anymore.

Jaded.

2010-08-31T23:58:00.002+08:00

For the first time since I started making movies, I'm seriously questioning my abilities as a story-teller.

who am I, to you?

2010-08-14T00:56:00.004+08:00

After all we've been through; after everything that's said and done - you come around and hit me right smack with a brick wall.

After ALL we've been through. After EVERYTHING.

I can hear it now - I'm the villain, it's always my fault, it means nothing Eysham!

But you know what, it does mean something. To me. And you choose to blind your eyes to my pleas and cries.

You don't know where to draw the line, do you?

imy.

2010-08-10T22:29:00.002+08:00

why.

because.

Everyone here thinks it's because I miss home. What do they know, eh.

i quit Eysham.

2010-08-10T00:28:00.000+08:00

you ruined me.

potatoe.

2010-08-09T11:08:00.003+08:00

I woke up today and realized I fell asleep on my hotel bed - the laptop propped up on my stomach. It's 6:30 am local time (7.30am, Singapore) and I've still yet to finish off the PP slides for the pitch to the investorstoday.

Everything that I'd learnt in the first year of school boils down to today's presentation. I need to sell the concept of RENO to the investors - hoping that they would part with $24, 000 of their money per episode. nyeh.

I'll probably be pitching in English - but Edo tells me to mix it up with a little bit of Malay. Interesting. But we'll see how it goes. Edo will probably be translating for them though.

I've promised a certain someone that I'll blog last night, but I fell asleep. I'm sorry sweetheart. It's been a long, taxing 5 days. And I'm missing you so, so much.

With all that had happened, (you know what I'm talking about. hmmph.) I think this only further solidify our relationship. You made me worry, you made me angry, upset, sad and I honest to god I wanted to give up on you, on myself. But then I realized it was just me in a foreign land talking.

Because here, I don't get to touch you, to hold you... to feel you. I don't get to see your face when I talk to you. I don't get to kiss you goodnight when I'm about to leave you. I don't get to love you the way I can if I'm there next to you.

I asked myself, "Why do you lie?" And I hear your voice in my head saying "I never lie! I just choose not to tell you." Well, true enough, I give you that. Then I asked myself, have I ever lied to you? And I hear myself answer with the same reply. Like telling you I'm going to shower in 10 mins when I'm actually watching FRIENDS and procrastinating, when I say I've left home to come see you when I'm actually still doing my hair, when I tell you I've told my mom you're coming then I secretly call her in the toilet to tell her then. But I don't know if it's the same kind of white lies you tell me. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe it's the truth, but I misconstrue them as something else.

But I do know one thing - after a particular incident where you shatter my heart (oh you know which one. ^^), I decided to hand you whatever pieces that was left and hoped that you'd put them back together. It can never be the same but that being said, these cracks, gorges and scars will only serve to remind us how we'd failed, but we pick ourselves up and tried again.

I'd broken yours too, with that incident in Yishun (you remember right?). But we always, always try to make it work again.

You know how broken bones heal and only become stronger? We're kind of like that. Potatoe.

Things will only get better Sayang. You know this is true. I do.

I love you dearly and I'm making you forever.

Hi, girlfriend.

2010-08-07T12:24:00.001+08:00

I wish my girlfriend knew just how much she means to me.

Dreammaker.

2010-08-07T03:46:00.002+08:00

I saved an entry that I wanted to post here tonight but I decided otherwise - it doesn't exactly reflect the mood I am in now.

It's 4am here in Jakarta and I'm sitting at the hotel's cafe with a $5 cup of coffee so that I can use the wifi for 2 bloody hours. Nice isn't it?

I'm awake doing up a PP proposal for Monday's pitch of Reno 118. I wish Chiam was here right now. I really need help with the business model.

These past couple of days, I foresee that in the near future I'd be doing this - alot. And it got me thinking about things - alot too.

But this is work. This is the dream - and I'm living just a sliver of it. My beliefs are sometimes shaken once in awhile. And more often than not, I change them because they just don't fit no matter how hard I force the jigsaw into the puzzle.

Alot of things are racing through my mind but I cannot let distractions derail me from the dream.

I dream of 2 things right now.

The latter popped up 4 months ago.

Lamb.

2010-08-05T03:12:00.000+08:00

This was due last night, but they had no damn internet in room 1017. ppft.

12:35 pm: I arrived @ Jakarta airport wondering where my luggage went. Logic told me it’s doing circles on some conveyor somewhere. Well, it was on a conveyor belt. I was just standing at the wrong one.The next thing I needed to get were cigarettes. I then realized I needed money to buy cigarettes. I had money. But it’s the wrong currency. I approached the first money changer I saw and converted a hundred buckeroos – which equals to I-can’t-remember-cause-the money-was-spilling-from-my-hands amount in Rupiah. The cashier eye-balled me so I made a face that says, “Yeah, that’s about right.” Act the part, I told myself. But I don’t think I look convincing enough – I’m not a very good actor.

1:00 pm: I popped into the first store I saw in the airport and bought a pack of Winston Lights. Don’t ask me why – its familiarity was comfortable on my eyes. I’m in a foreign land dammit! And I miss my girlfriend.

2:00 pm: I sat at ToniJack’s, waiting for Edo to come and pick me up. I was supposedly to wait at Mac Donalds. It doesn’t exist anymore. Toni bought over the space – Good Ol’ Tony. I finished my BRADWURST – that’s right, BRADWURST – and smoked some more.

So I’d had my BRADWURST, smoked a few when this kid came up to me and asked if I’d like to get a spit-shine. Hello Pedro! But I told him no. I couldn’t bear to see a kid keel over rubbing at my feet. See! I’m a nice guy. Who smokes and eats BRADWURTS. And Edo’s still not here.

4:00 pm: I’m sitting at Marche opposite Edo eating my chicken leg and cursing at my mobile. I’d gotten my prepaid card but I couldn’t seem to be able to make any outgoing messages! No prizes for guessing who I was trying to get through to (my girlfriend, just in case you’re wondering).

4:30 pm: Woah. Edo checked me into a 5 star hotel. Hotel Sahid Jaya. The bellboys were wearing these funny cone-shaped hats, which reminds me of, well, cones?

8:00 pm: Edo brought me to this nice little place called ‘The Social House’. We ate some expensive pizza and I ordered what I thought was a manly drink. The waiter came with this bluish-purple drink in a martini glass. Can I shoot myself?

9: 00 pm: My brain’s too tired right now to register the minor details but I’m back in the hotel room with Fuad. He’s Edo’s cousin. Fuad told me that Edo said, “You will be with Eysham tonight and you’re to assist him if he needs anything.” He’s 30 years-old. So I’m in a hotel room with a 30-year-old man, smoking like there’s no tomorrow conversing in really gawd-awful broken Malay.

It’s 2:53 am now. I’d like to spew some romantic, sweet/poetic message but if my hands could speak, they’re choking on words right now.

It’s just that I miss my girlfriend so much. I wish you were here with me. =’(

=’( =’( =’( =’( =’( =’( =’( =’( =’( =’(

Has it been that long?

2010-03-18T18:32:00.004+08:00

It's been almost a year since I posted anything. Nothing has changed. Damn.

I'm still Eysham - a little brokeback, a little pixie dust.

The usual failed relationships that most of the time is a deadly cocktail that's a train wreck just waiting to happen.

Slapped a girl. Got slapped by a girl. Gay men fringing on the side - no I'm not gay. Or bi. I love woman.

People don't change, really. They lie, obviously.

To sum it all up -

I met a girl. She ruined me. I met another girl. She'll probably ruin me too - till I get my red Ferrari.

I quit Eysham huh. Riiiiiiiight.

Idle

2009-07-03T12:43:00.002+08:00

I'm sitting idle thinking of what to say.
Everything has deteriorated beyond recognition.
What is left is the soft breeze of a passing memory that was once,
something which I know is love.

To finish it off I had to tell the biggest and most hurtful lie,
so that it'll be easier for me to move along.

special friend.

2009-06-25T01:45:00.003+08:00

Come back.

Drunk on Caffeine

2009-05-09T10:34:00.002+08:00

Coffee is like a drug. Fights lead to excessive coffee drinking sessions accompanied by cigarettes. After awhile I feel like puking. But the cycle starts all over again.

24 hour shifts are a real pain in the butt. Thank god for coffee.

the a-hole.

2009-03-02T01:27:00.003+08:00

Action, reaction. Chances are if you have a dick, you're an asshole.

Never Trust a Dragon

2009-02-03T13:06:00.002+08:00

When I was young my mom used read to me this particular series of books titled

"Never Trust a Dragon".

She always referred to me as the Dragon.

I was six years old.

unrequited love.

2009-01-22T12:07:00.003+08:00

Although I hate to admit it, I harbour an uncanny love for fire-fighting.

Jeez.

dum dum DUM!

2009-01-04T23:56:00.003+08:00

I looked at myself in the mirror today & told myself this is not the face of a twenty-three year old.

My mobile's been ringing & beeping reminding me that it's my birthday today. But all I really wanna do is to wallow in self denial.

I could use that time machine just about now.

I'm 18.

2009-01-03T15:34:00.001+08:00

If anyone ask, please tell them I'm 18.

Oooold. OOOOOOold!

22 coming 23.

2008-12-23T17:52:00.002+08:00

22 coming 23. 22 coming 23. 22 coming 23. God how I wish I have a time machine. Give me back my time machine!!

As netizens as my witness I solemnly swear that on 5th January 2009 I will quit Eysham.

labels/love

2008-12-20T13:48:00.003+08:00

I have always known the reason why I affiliate myself with belles who are statutorily unavailable. I just choose not to come to terms with it. It's just so much easier to have an emotional relationship w/o labels.

They can't be my priority if I'm only the option.

oh brother, where art thou.

2008-12-17T15:57:00.003+08:00

It's due to the fact that only my sister understands my apocryphal derogatory nature that I choose to allow her to spend late nights out with me. That and the fact that Momster would never extend her curfew unless I'm around.

But hey, that's what brothers are for, right.

rock, paper , scissors

2008-12-01T15:09:00.003+08:00

Why do boys suck?

It's an inborn trait.

Just throw rocks @ us.

he played his song...

2008-11-23T12:54:00.003+08:00

and it's about time to pay the piper.

dreading monday.

2008-11-22T21:43:00.004+08:00

You can never beat the system. A few slip ups & they'll hunt you down, gut you like a fish.

Just don't drop the soap. The system will bang you leaving skid marks all over the wall.

We conform not because of the beneficial consequences. But rather because the MAN says so.

I'd rather, & I quote, "Stick-It-To-The-Man".

But that involves getting my head shaved.

I like having hair.

And to quote the MakCik from Rasa-Rasa @ Marsiling,

"Adek ni bomba ke?"

Haaaai MakCik... Takmo ingatkan please.

my corner.

2008-11-11T21:21:00.008+08:00

I'm waiting on the corner of the street.

This is the place to be.

Worn out tiles - how many have stood here before?

My back against the plexiglass, I take a long drag from one of the sinful pleasures of life.

Conversations dance around in my head. None of them sound right.

Maybe I should adopt the brooding, silent type. hah. Right.

I snub out my cigarette.

This is the place to be.

On the corner of the street.

my colorful boxshorts on a girl.

2008-11-10T14:50:00.005+08:00

The sun, the sand & the sea. And a little bit of SPF 50. Need to get rid of those hideous tan lines.

yea yea I was the one who dropped it. It couldn't have been anyone else. damns it to hell..!!

I love my SPF 50 sunblock. gaaaaah!

What Raya?

2008-10-06T22:07:00.003+08:00

1st October 2008. 1st Syawal.

I ate & ate & ate. And then I ate some more.

Then I heard the RUMORS. I was going to be the victim of the rag-&-bone man that night.

So I spent the night alone locked up in a small dark room. I had the keys with me.

The next morning just as I was about to leave for work I banged on one of the empty lockers. Really really loudly. What I meant by that was, well, for a lack of a better expression,

"Bebual Kosong".

All eyes were on me. Boy I am sure gonna get it the next time I come for work.

Dammit.

romancing a brick wall.

2008-09-30T02:18:00.002+08:00

I never tire, do I?

damns it.

damn it to hell!

I want a tubby toast. =(

we.don't.need.no.water.

2008-09-25T00:09:00.003+08:00

so damn early in the morning. Was seated at the back of the fire engine. Told my Deputy Rota Commander I was going to put the breeching half a step via staircase. His face contorted into an inward expression of a cow getting fucked from behind. Rolling off the back of his tongue full of spite, my DRC who by the way is in his fifties says to me:

"fuck you."

I applaud my commander for his kind & motivational words to spur us firefighters in out plight to "save lives & property". That was fucking A.

happy.feet.

2008-09-24T03:30:00.007+08:00

They try to kick it, their feet fall asleep.

an eleven & 1/2, no combat boots, not yet.

Couldn't drop the habit, coffee mocha in a paper cup.

Bye bye baby.

I want my combat baby~

i.want.my.time.machine.

2008-09-22T01:39:00.009+08:00

The whole (not really wholly whole but a small part of the whole. Like a donut. yea.) Jin Gang.

These guys make me feel like I'm 22! God suddenly I'm reminded that I'm turning 23. dammit.

PS: Happy 22nd Birthday Aida. Enjoy being 22. It sucks being old. hah!

Haffiz! You're still 21. Lucky bastard. I'll stop my hideous peace sign when I'm 23. Promise.

Now on to a different note. Being loyal is a bitch. But being disloyal, - is just being a regular whore.

God give me back my time machine!

forever buddies.

2008-09-17T02:16:00.002+08:00

2004: (22-4) = 18.

A reason to take the bus home from school.

yea I miss you too, my bus-ride buddy.

mother.

2008-09-16T02:54:00.004+08:00

I want to be young again.

So that I can show you how much I love you.

I want to remember vividly how it feels like to be held in your arms.

Where the only person that mattered in life was you.

sleeping with ghosts.

2008-09-11T21:14:00.004+08:00

I had the scariest dream. Ever.

I can still feel it creeping inside me.

It felt so real that the only thing I don't remember is waking up. I sat down at the foot of my sofa bed, my heart pounding like as if it was about to explode inside my chest.

The most ironic thing is that I didn't feel so much afraid after. I mean yea I felt like shitting myself when it happened but when I looked at her face, I was suddenly voided of all emotions and felt a constant longing for the girl sitting in front of me. Well, on me to be more specific. But boy was it fucking scary.

I was trying to sleep that night. My body was exhausted but my mind was wide awake. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't fall asleep.

Suddenly I felt a HAND under my pillow. My god I was so freaked out but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get out of bed.

I felt her crawling out from under my bed. She crept up onto the bed and literally sat down on top of me, her legs wrapped around my waist. I wanted to shit my pants.

But then she looked at me. Her long white dress flowing carelessly across my body, she looked at me with a constant longing, like as if she knows me. Although I have never seen her before in my life, I feel like as if, I know her too. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I was drawn to her.

I tried to sit up. I could feel her weight on my body. She shifted slightly, allowing me to sit up, her boney hands on my thighs supporting her weight, her slender legs still wrapped around my waist. I couldn't tear away from our dreamy gaze.

She looked so sad. I wanted to put my hand to her face, push her hair back, touch her cheek.

But I was afraid.

I woke up with a jolt. My heart was pounding in my ears. I could hardly breathe. I tossed my pillows away, half expecting to find a hand somewhere. I got down on my hands & knees. No one under my bed. I tried to calm myself down, telling myself that it was all just a bad dream.

Just a dream. But she felt so real. It was so damn fucking real.

I sat at the foot of my bed, my mind racing through the event that took place. I could remember every single detail.

I was no longer feeling afraid. I realized that at that moment, I was in love with a ghost.

the joker card.

2008-09-10T01:07:00.002+08:00

Does it have to play out in chronological order? If we shuffle the scenes, does the story change?

Like a deck of cards the hand will always play out differently. But by using the the art of deduction (and maybe a quick look at the other person's hand) we can eliminate the possible outcomes and we can at least make a guess of the different permutations available.

But some idiot will forget to take the Joker out and that spoils the whole game. But like clockwork we reshuffle the cards and start over.

The joker.

Being thrown a curve ball.

The chink in the chain.

The wrath of God.

Different names. Just symbols for an entity that ruins everything and anything.

My brains are all over the wall.

a friend in need is a friend in need. but a friend with breasts is better.

2008-09-08T22:35:00.002+08:00

A very lonely Scorpion stood along the river bank. He wants to get across the river but he is afraid of water. He chances upon a Turtle swimming in the river and he calls out to him.

"Turtle, could you help ferry me across the river?"

"No," said the turtle.

"I promise not to sting you Turtle. I just want to get across the river."

The Turtle gave this some thought and agreed. The Scorpion hopped onto the Turtle's shell.

Halfway across the river it started to rain. A bolt of lighting flashed across the sky. The Scorpion, frightened, stings the Turtle.

The Turtle crooned it's neck and looked sadly at the Scorpion.

"Why did you go and do that? Now both of us are going to drown."

The Scorpion replied, "I'm sorry Turtle. I can't help myself. I'm a Scorpion."

Empathize with the Turtle?

But the Scorpion is lonely. He needs a friend.

168.

2008-09-07T03:24:00.002+08:00

Tampines might just become all too familiar once more.

I've been thrown a googly!

e.y.s.h.a.m.

2008-09-05T10:24:00.002+08:00

Thank you, Syaz. =)

the killing joke.

2008-09-04T02:33:00.005+08:00

If looks could kill you'd be a murderer. Or maybe just a whore.

Maybe just a whore.

2008-09-02T18:03:00.002+08:00

All the emotional anxiety and controlled angst have finally taken a toll on me.

Nothing I say, can say, will say or fucking did say will undo, redo or change anything.

My mind is swirling, my head is spinning and It's fucking-credible that I not smoking.

Change or at least put on a fucking facade.

grow up.

I'm a real live boy.

2008-08-31T23:25:00.004+08:00

I sit at my desk, armed with a lousy ball point pen and a crummy piece of paper. Coffee and cigarettes are my best friends right now. The topic of discussion that has evolved around my life in the past four weeks unfold in thirty minutes as I fill the pages back & front.

That piece of paper is now snuggled nicely in between the pages of "Kaf'ka on the Shore". I flip through the book over & over again, stopping at the piece of paper that bookmark the pages.

Kaf'ka on the Shore. A book about a fifteen year old boy running far away from home on his birthday & falling in love with a women. A book that was borrowed but never returned from an ex-lover.

A written letter now sits in its pages.

Cynically coincidental. But there are no coincidences.

Sometimes I feel like I'm made up of wood. I want to jump of the table and tell her - "I'm a real live boy."

You make me feel like I'm eighteen again.

the silent observer.

2008-08-30T00:30:00.006+08:00

Dear Mr silent observer,

What exactly is it that you are looking out for?

My long golden locks?

Hey, man behind the camera who's watching me all the time, how's my hair?

Maybe I'll dance for you. I'll shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.

All-Star

2008-08-29T01:02:00.004+08:00

I wore my kicks today and tried to remember the last time I wore flip-flops. It was the time when I tried to squeeze feet into my 18 year-old sister's flops.

It wasn't pretty.

You know how the wicked sisters had to cut off their heels and toes to fit into that glass slipper?

Not everyone can be Cinderella.

I'm bringing along a pair of kicks for my Cinderella.

I hope it fits.